Happy Thursday,
For years, I put a lot of effort into learning how to manage my own mind. I studied meditation, practised mindfulness, absorbed plenty of knowledge and wisdom about psychology, and even explored the roots of happiness (my curiosity tends to take me down a few rabbit holes!). The old sentiment “comparison is the thief of joy” keeps coming up over and over again. It sounds sensible, and for a long time I believed it. But the older I’ve got, the more I’ve started to challenge it and stopped suppressing that voice of envy. It goes against popular clichés, but perhaps we should listen to it. Because there is power in envy if we know how to handle it.
🧠 LEARN something.
Psychologists have found that envy isn’t necessarily one emotion or reaction. Research distinguishes between benign envy and malicious envy. Both start with the same uncomfortable comparison: someone has something you value, and you don’t. But benign envy creates what researchers call a moving-up motivation, a feeling of “I want to improve my position.” Malicious envy does almost the opposite. It creates a pulling-down motivation: “I want them to lose theirs,” “I want to see them fall,” or, at its worst, behaviour that actually undermines someone else’s success.
Here’s where it gets more interesting. Experiments have associated benign envy with greater effort and better performance, particularly when people believe improvement is actually possible. So perhaps comparison isn’t the problem. Envy is information, a benchmark if you like. It reveals the gap between where you are and somewhere you secretly want to be. Someone else’s success can expose an ambition you’ve ignored, rationalised away or perhaps haven’t even admitted to yourself yet. You can get curious about that gap, or protect your ego by deciding they’re lucky, overrated, connected, full of themselves and that the hype is probably bigger than the reality. One response uses someone else’s success as a benchmark. The other needs to diminish their success so you can feel better about your own position. Envy isn’t necessarily the enemy. Sometimes it’s a mirror, revealing desires and ambitions we hadn’t considered.
🤔 REFLECT on an idea.
Pretending we don’t compare ourselves with others isn’t particularly useful because, in reality, we do it all the time! The more useful skill is noticing what that comparison produces in us. Envy can make you miserable or motivate you. The difference is whether you spend your energy resenting the gap or learning to overcome it.
😊 SMILE a little.
Nothing reveals your ambitions quite like someone else achieving them first.😂
✅ DO IT to get results.
Okay, be real… who was the person, or people, who kept coming to mind as you read this newsletter? Who are you envious of? Perhaps it’s a colleague at work, a teammate, a family member or even a cousin.
Don’t brush past the answer. Pick one person and ask yourself: what is my envy trying to tell me about what I want or don’t have? If you want to make it more real, reach out and ask them for a coffee. Get curious about how they got where they are. You might find that some of the assumptions you’ve made about their success quickly disappear, and malicious envy gives way to benign envy. You don’t need to compete with them, copy them or hope they lose what they have. Don’t let comparison steal your joy. Let it show you where you want to go.
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Kia pai tō wiki
Kenny Bhosale
CEO & Founder, The Bridge Leaders
