The word empathy is everywhere in leadership conversations right now. You’ll struggle to find a leader who doesn’t claim to lead with empathy. It’s also become the “prescribed medicine” for almost every leadership and culture problem. Makes perfect sense on paper, but doesn’t always translate into practice. So what does it really mean? And more importantly, how do we practise it without tokenism or just scratching the surface?
🧠 LEARN something.
Fundamentally, empathy is the ability to recognise, understand, and respond to the emotions of others. It’s not the same as being kind or agreeable, although many leaders mix them up. They see empathy as soft, overly emotional, or too tied to values and virtue. But real empathy is not an emotional state. It’s a learned, practised and extremely practical mental skill. It involves more ‘head’ than ‘heart’. Unfortunately, the version of empathy most leaders are taught is only half the story. A better way to understand empathy is to look at it in three forms:
Emotional Empathy. This is when you feel what someone else is feeling. You take on their emotions as your own. Example: Your team member is stressed, and you start to feel stressed too. So you take on some of their work yourself.
Cognitive Empathy. This is when you understand what someone is feeling, even if you don’t feel it yourself. Example: Your team member is stressed, and you can see why they feel that way, even though you’re calm.
Compassionate Empathy. This is when you understand what someone is feeling and then do something helpful about it. Example: Your team member is stressed, so you coach them and help them prioritise their workload.
Most leaders, especially those who are natural empaths, rely too much on emotional empathy. They absorb their team’s stress, emotions, and challenges. They lose perspective, and often end up emotionally and physically burnt out. On the other hand, cognitive empathy alone isn’t enough either. Without warmth or emotional connection, it comes across cold and disconnected. Even worse, cognitive empathy can be used manipulatively if a leader understands what someone is feeling but chooses to use that knowledge for their own gain. That’s where compassionate empathy strikes the right balance or connection and clarity. It allows you to stay connected, make sound decisions, and lead with emotional intelligence, without losing sight of the bigger picture or control over your own emotions. Remember, empathy is a strength – but like any strength, it can be overplayed and become a weakness.
🤔 REFLECT on an idea.
“Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.”
Silvy Khoucasian
Empathy is a powerful leadership trait. But without boundaries, it becomes self-destructive. Leaders who default to emotional empathy risk burnout and emotional fatigue. But remember, as a leader, you can’t please everyone or rescue everyone, and you won’t always be liked. That’s the privilege (and the weight) of leadership. So you need to create your own boundaries.
😊 SMILE a little.
Empathy: our new favourite buzzword that’s weaponize against you during performance reviews 😂
✅ DO IT to get results.
If you’ve been following my newsletter, you’ll know I like to keep leadership simple. Because simplicity and consistency get real results. So next time you want to empathise with someone, don’t overcomplicate it. Use this N.V.A. format to respond with empathy while maintaining your boundaries:
- Name it (Cognitive): “It sounds like you’re under pressure right now.”
- Validate it (Emotional): “That must be really frustrating.”
- Act or Ask (Compassionate): “What would help right now?”
🌱 How we can support you.
We provide strategic leadership solutions tailored to align with your business strategy, size, and budget. We can support your with:
- 1:1 Leadership and Performance Coaching
- Team Coaching, for high performing teams
- 1:1 Health & Lifestyle Coaching for busy stressed leaders.
- Workshops, offsites and team development.
- Or our flagship individual Leadership Coaching Programs.
Kia pai tō wiki
Kenny Bhosale
CEO & Founder, The Bridge Leaders
