Gaslighting at Work

Have you ever had someone call you “too sensitive” or felt like they were playing mind games with you—making you wonder, “Is this really happening, or am I going crazy?” If so, you may be experiencing a form of manipulation called gaslighting. It’s subtle, but a real killer of trust and teamwork. So, what is gaslighting, how can you spot it, and what can you do about it? Let’s break it down.

🧠 LEARN something.

Gaslighting is a subtle but harmful form of psychological manipulation at work, making you question your sanity, memory, perceptions, or abilities. It can be particularly damaging and abusive when it comes from your boss (or someone in power), where they deny past occurrences, downplay emotions, or “reshape” stories to shift blame to you or make you doubt yourself. For example, a manager repeatedly changes deadlines but insists they were always the same, a leader dismisses your concerns as “overreacting” or “being too sensitive,” or a boss gives unclear instructions and then blames you for not achieving what they wanted. Constant gaslighting creates mistrust, lowers productivity, kills morale and at worst, is an abuse of power and akin to bullying. That said, not everything that feels confronting or invalidating qualifies as gaslighting, and not all gaslighting is intentional—sometimes, people may not realise they’re doing it. So how do we know what is gaslighting and what’s not?

A good way to identify actual gaslighting—based on a 2023 study published in Frontiers in Psychology—is to look for consistent (not occasional, but consistent) presence of two psychologically abusive tendencies – trivialisation and affliction. First, trivialisation happens when someone repeatedly downplays or oversimplifies your concerns, perspectives, fears, and realities. For example, they may say “it’s not a big deal”, whereas for you, it is a big deal, and that trivialisation makes you doubt your own capability and resilience. On the other hand, affliction involves emotionally manipulative behaviours to exercise unnecessary or excessive control, consistently criticising you, or making you more dependent on them, which again makes you feel inadequate and doubt your abilities and self-worth. Both behaviours create toxic workplaces. The key teller is consistency—a one-off comment isn’t gaslighting, but a repeated pattern of these behaviours is a serious problem. If you’re constantly questioning your reality, confidence, or worth due to someone’s actions, it’s time to address it—with two simple strategies suggested at the end of this newsletter.

🤔 REFLECT on an idea.

“Over time, the person begins to second-guess their own judgment and starts to defer to the leader’s version of reality.”

(Dr. Robin Stern)

Stern’s quote captures the very real and long-term harm that comes from subtle trivialisation and affliction. When leaders make employees lose confidence in themselves, they stop believing in their own judgment and ability and start coming to the leader for every answer. Eventually, it has the opposite effect of what organisations want—creating a dependent and helpless team rather than an empowered, autonomous one.

😊 SMILE a little.

“I am not gaslighting you” my boss assured me.

“You’re blowing this way out of proportion, and making a drama out of noting. You need to stop being so sensitive and harden up” 😂

✅ DO IT to get results.

Most advice on gaslighting focuses on worst-case scenarios—involving HR, documenting evidence, mediation, etc. But what about all the time before it gets that bad? Gaslighting creeps in gradually, so here are three ways to nip it early.

1. Clarify the intent – “Can you clarify what you mean?” Manipulators thrive in ambiguity. Asking for clarity forces them to be specific and keeps things from getting personal.
2. Be comfortable disagreeing – “I see it differently.” You won’t change their perspective, but you don’t have to concede yours. Hold your ground while staying open to further clarification.
3. Use the Broken Record technique – Calmly repeat your stance. If they say, “You’re overreacting; that never happened,” respond with, “I know what I experienced,” and don’t engage further.

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